Cats like playing with yarn and once they are done playing with that yarn: it becomes deranged: That ball of yarn is ME. LOL. Yep, it is actually funny.
Everyday, since last week, I have woke up and started to think about decisions that I have to make. And I ask God to guide me in making those decisions; even if a wrong decision is made, He would fix it and put me on the right path. This week, I have woke up with a decision I’ve made so quickly because it felt like it needed to be made immediately. And as I think about it, I regret that decision ( I do not know if it is the Holy Spirit telling me not to do it? Or if it is me not wanting to do what I agreed to?)– Mind you, I made this decision off of peer pressure of “We need to make this decisions now! Or we might lose out”.
I rather lose out and be at peace then not lose out and be unhappy, and more confused as I am now.
Above is how my life has been every since I decided to make my own decisions. I wish someone would make my decisions for me and then maybe my life would be less hectic and confusing. My mind is just circling with decisions to be made in so little time. I know in this season, I am REALLY going to have to consult with God on this one.
It does not hurt when people or no one cares about you; what hurts is when you want and look for them to care and love you but they don’t.
It is cool though. I was not born in this world for anyone to love me, or want to be around me. I was just born….That’s it! And I happen to be some ones mistakes. I am very sorry for anyone that has met me. And I pray to God that I made an impact on someone’s life, even if it was small.
No one really knows who I am. They think they do but yet they have no idea. I wish people would get to (really) know me…They would probably like me.
Life goes on. At least I can sing. That is one thing that is good about me. Hope fully my dream will come true with my singing. 😊
-This is not for anyone to have any pity on me or feel sad for me. I just need to vent my hurt out, instead of talking about It to someone.
And I’ll Rise Up/ High Like The Waves /And I’ll Rise Up/In Spite of The Ache
Those words ( in red ) up above is what I hear in my spirit. In the days to come I will hurt (like I do now) and I will be upset with myself ( like I am now) . I will not say, but I do not have time to make decisions. I have to do what is needed for me to get further ahead in my life. There is no more…..Second guessing, if God is real in my life? or Why God allows this and allows that?- Either I will believe in Him or not. I have no choice but to believe in Him. I need to believe in something, because these other “gods” that people worship is just not for me. They do not give me the satisfaction that the Holy Spirit gives me.
Because of God…… I am able to fight my battle, I feel like there is strength behind my capabilities and I choose to give God the honor for that. My mother followed God and to me she had a successful life- She always made sure that I kept my eyes on Him.
I do not know if my days will get any better but I will still continue to fight and RISE UP!!!!
– I pray this fight don’t last always, I still have hope even if it is a mustard seed
In my mind I question what it is to worship God? He said, “Worship Him in Spirit and in Truth”….. But what does He mean by that? All I picture in my mind is me…. My true worship to Christ….Even when everything around seems like it is falling from beneath my feet….. I CHOOSE TO WORSHIP HIM ( someone, that I never seen in my life).
The 30 years I have been on this earth, I have not served Christ like I should ( at least that is what I think) But He has got me out of a lot of things and I give Him the honor and praise for it…….And I give it to someone, a spirit that I have never seen… I think that is the most AWESOME thing ever….. To love what you don’t see/ To Worship what you don’t see.
I still hear His voice, He puts songs in my heart to let me know that He is listening. I believe that God talks to me through song because I am a singer who loves to worship Him. And the songs He laid in my heart early this morning was: My Life Is In Your Hand by Kirk Franklin and Worship You I Live By Israel Haughton. I know there is a reason those songs pop up in my heart….. Like I said before, “God is saying something to me through those two songs and I know that everything is going to be OK”.
I worship Him because My Life is in His Hands or My Life is in His Hands and that is why I worship Him- That about sums it up!!!
I am in all sorts of emotions right now. When I was born, I was already born into a corrupt world. It was up to me to make certain decisions in my life whether they were good or bad. Well, Erica decided to ( I really want to curse at this moment , but I will keep it PG) mess all that up. I take fault for somethings and somethings I don’t take fault for. I am not saying that I have a bad life or that my life is over (because, to me, it feels like it) But when you get to a point in a situation and all your emotions are floating around in your body I take that as a very bad thing because I don’t know whether to: cry, pray to God, get angry, be depressed, be sad, give up or say “F*** it All”!
I am angry with myself because of my past….So far, it has determined a partial part of my future. A lot of things are about to be taken away from me but I am not mad because I caused this on myself. I am not even mad at God. But, do I hold God accountable for somethings that I was born into that I did not have any control over? Yes, but I do not blame God, I just grow and try to not understand why God allows certain things. Maybe it is because he wants us to grow, maybe we are an example to the world, maybe with him we are suppose to suffer and never get anything good in life but death.
I will tell you one good thing: I am starting to look around at to what is the purpose of God in my life? Why do I serve Him? I am trying to get to know this spirit that is within, that I gave my life to for eternal life.
Even when things are looking bad right now , for some odd reasons I have faith and believe that everything is going to be OK… I am at……PEACE. Whatever happens from this day forward is in His hands and I can’t do a damn thing about it because of my decisions that I have made. But I know that from today going forward I can fix my future… It will take sometime, but I have do something… I just can’t let life beat me or let my dumb decisions get the best of me. Like I have been saying all day…. Jesus, God, Lord… HELP ME!!!! HELP ME PLEASE