I am in all sorts of emotions right now. When I was born, I was already born into a corrupt world. It was up to me to make certain decisions in my life whether they were good or bad. Well, Erica decided to ( I really want to curse at this moment , but I will keep it PG) mess all that up. I take fault for somethings and somethings I don’t take fault for. I am not saying that I have a bad life or that my life is over (because, to me, it feels like it) But when you get to a point in a situation and all your emotions are floating around in your body I take that as a very bad thing because I don’t know whether to: cry, pray to God, get angry, be depressed, be sad, give up or say “F*** it All”!
I am angry with myself because of my past….So far, it has determined a partial part of my future. A lot of things are about to be taken away from me but I am not mad because I caused this on myself. I am not even mad at God. But, do I hold God accountable for somethings that I was born into that I did not have any control over? Yes, but I do not blame God, I just grow and try to not understand why God allows certain things. Maybe it is because he wants us to grow, maybe we are an example to the world, maybe with him we are suppose to suffer and never get anything good in life but death.
I will tell you one good thing: I am starting to look around at to what is the purpose of God in my life? Why do I serve Him? I am trying to get to know this spirit that is within, that I gave my life to for eternal life.
Even when things are looking bad right now , for some odd reasons I have faith and believe that everything is going to be OK… I am at……PEACE. Whatever happens from this day forward is in His hands and I can’t do a damn thing about it because of my decisions that I have made. But I know that from today going forward I can fix my future… It will take sometime, but I have do something… I just can’t let life beat me or let my dumb decisions get the best of me. Like I have been saying all day…. Jesus, God, Lord… HELP ME!!!! HELP ME PLEASE