Unhealthy Singer 14: Perservere

Persevere

Something happened to me at church…….

Yesterday and even on Saturday I was not prepared to sing at Church ( May 7, 2017, Sunday). I did not want to sing and I felt so down and irritated. So I told my pastor that I was not spiritually ready to sing and I do not know if I am just depressed or is it my “diagnoses” of being bi-polar? As I said a while back in one of my old post: I do not claim to be bi-polar at all.  I really feel that what I went through at 18 years old was something that any normal person would go through. I just was in a lot of pain and did not know how to control my emotions. ( I will talk about that in a later post of how that all began).

But back to what I was saying, So after I explained all that to him, he then tells me NO! In such a calming way, lol. He explains to me why I should get on that stage and fight through the problem I am dealing with, and that what we fight are spiritual battles- ( Ephesians 6 )  In Ephesians chapter 6  it explains how we are fighting what we can’t see. And my pastor basically said, “You will defeat the devil by going on stage and worshiping God through worship and song”. And in my spirit, I accepted and understood what he was saying. And I did it! I persevered!

After I sung, I sat down and felt like a warrior. I knew right then that I had won my battle. It felt good. I felt relief.  That put a whole new perspective on my life. To just push through, Persevere ( Galatians 5 talks about the fruits of the spirit) and persevering is one of the fruits. My pastor helped me to understand what it really feels like to fight the battle, and know that you made it through. I know that I have fought many battles because I am still alive today.

But this battle was different for me. It had something to do with my singing. I keep saying and I will always say it, “How can you have a gift and not feel like using it, especially when it is something God has given you”? I guess that is where satan comes in and tries to attack every avenue of your life when he knows that God has something awesome for you and that God gave you such an awesome talent and gift that satan does not want the world to hear or see!

So I will continue to persevere. Starting today.

Remember this : There will always be that one person that can impact your life, to change something about you so that you can move on to the next chapter of your life.

What is one of your fruits that you need to work on? I mean, we all (at some degree) need to work on all of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. But what is one that you have a hard time dealing with?

Mines is self-control and perseverance.

Not only have my pastor impact me, but I have had a lot of people and loves one in my life teach me a thing or two and  made me take a second to rethink everything in my life. One of them is my husband and brother.

And to end this post. Here is a song that I know God wanted to keep dear to my heart. Maybe it will opened up your heart to Him

Galatians 5: Fruits of The Spirit
Ephesians 6: Battles

 

Unhealthy Singer 13: Healing

 

 

The Healing Process
Humbleness came into my spirit. My definition of humbleness is very different from God’s definition of humbleness. 

 

 

Since my last post……..

I went to the library after work. I took a private room so that I could think and talk to God. I got some paper from the Library’s copy machine, ( I do not think I should have done that, since you have to pay for the paper when you print or make copies, lol) I guess I’m a thief! But anywho, I then went back to my room and I sat down and began to think. I made 4 categories: One was for God, the other Singing Career, the other Weight loss, the other was finance and last but not least My Vocals.

I started making bullets for each category on what I need to do for each one. When I was done, I said to God that I want to be “persistent, consistent, I want to persevere and I want self-control”: I put that in the God category. I then looked at the categories and I saw how the other 4 categories surrounded my God Category. I then said with amazement, “It all begins with You! Everything that I want and desire and need begins with YOU!”

I’ve been running, losing faith and belief, and questioning Him and His existence for so long; I go around in circles to the point I am in a big deep round hole and when I’m tired of doing things on my own and my way while I am in that deep hole, I somehow find myself looking up to Him and going right back to Him to start over. That’s kind of like relationships, huh? lol.

The whole point of what I am saying is this is a healing process and for me, it starts with God. I have tried to do it my way and run away from Him. But I am like a child on a leash-He will let me go as far as that leash will take me, but He will always pull me back when I go off too far.

In conclusion: I am in a healing process….. If I start with God and do things the right way, MY LIFE WILL BECOME EASIER. I will still have bumps and bruises and might even add on more but if I stick with Him I will be just fine. It starts with Him, It starts with HIM.

Unhealthy Singer 12: This is a Journey

 

Same Old Street Change Blvd
This fits perfectly for my journey. This about sums it up!

 

As I started off with this series of an UNHEALTHY SINGER. It was about weight loss now it is turned into more of me being unhappy, depressed, not wanting to sing anymore, wanting my father’s love…….And the list could go on.  I need to be content but I am not content. I know some will tell me to do something about it, but when you are where I am at then you will understand my story. I am not trying to make any excuses- I am just trying to understand who I am and what direction I am going. For example:

My Weight:
I feel like I fail every day because one moment I am doing good and the next I am not. I want to stay consistent but it seems like I never succeed. I will honestly say, that I do feel like my weight has dropped a little ( maybe inch wise) But I need to check the SCALE~

My Singing:
I ask myself this question: How bad do I really want it? Do I really care about my singing? Can I really have a singing career? Am I unique? I do know that I want to share my gift with the world to make an impact on other’s lives and I do know that I do not want to waste my talent at some “job”.

Finance:
That word above plays such part in me being depressed sometimes. I am learning to do better with my money but I sometimes do not succeed with staying consistent with doing better with my money……. I mean I am just TERRIBLE, lol! And I am not making that much at my job. But next month things should change a bit, but guys! I am really trying. And trying is just not enough for me.

Father’s Love
When it comes to a Father’s LOVE, it is very important to me. I am talking about the man who raised me in his on way, the best he knew how to raise me. I want his love so bad to point it hurts. I use to put: wanting my father’s love in the back of my mind, to prove that I was strong enough and did not need his love, a Father’s love but I do. My dad’s love would have prevented a lot of things in my life that went wrong if he would have given me and showed me his love.

I want to say what I say and DO IT. NO Excuses. I want to stay committed to everything and put my mind to it. I want to be grateful even when I do not have that much money on me. And even when I want to run away from God or I choose not to talk to Him and do it my way….. I know that He will be the one to fix Ol’ Erica. But I have to take some steps, you know?

I need some guidance…… I am going to ask God for guidance and then I am going searching.

PS. Every time I write my post, I sometimes get my answers. writing these post are therapeutic for me and they help me think. This is not just about my weight anymore, but about everything in my life that I need to conquer.

I guess this is what you call a Journey! This is my Goliath!

Philippians 4:13

Unhealthy Singer 11: Embrace who you are

WIN_20170501_08_32_04_Pro

 

I’ve never really embraced who I was until today. I am starting to embrace my size, becomes I know I will lose weight and see a new me, soon. I come to the realization that if I do not accept where I am now, I am not going to get where I need to be. So, I am beautiful at this size and I will be beautiful at the size I want to be.

Erica's Heart
I am in love with who I am. Love yourself, because nobody else will!

 

PS. Take it slow. Do not rush life or you are going to miss all the beauty that God created for you on this earth. Look past all the evil that satan wants you to see. If you look through God’s eyes you will see what man can not see. All man wants you to see is the bad in everything, so that you can blame God. But if you just spend time with God, you will see the evil mask that covered God’s beauty. Look at the BEAUTY in GOD’S EYES