Disclaimer: Below is how I felt earlier and I still feel this way, but with looking at myself in the mirror, I let out a lot of angst and even more. I would of cut out the cussing because I was afraid of what people would think…but then I thought to myself, if I can curse around other people and God hears me, then why am I silencing myself on my blog-especially when I am feeling what I am feeling. I named my blog, “Listen to my heart” for a reason. And not all of my post are going to Angelic. I don’t like cussing at all but sometimes when you are fed up it happens. I am working on stopping my cussing only because of God and how I need to represent Him. Please do not judge me or what is said below, This actually helped me.
HERE IT GOES……..OH, ALSO, IN SOME OF THIS POST, I MIGHT SOUND ALL OVER THE PLACE…..THAT IS BECAUSE I WAS VENTING AND HAD SO MUCH TO SAY BECAUSE I LET MY HEART BUILD UP AND I JUST EXPLODED!!!!! NOW,HERE IT GOES…………….
I sometimes wonder if It is worth fighting to live the life I want? I am getting to the point where I am disassociating myself from everyone because I am learning that you can’t just be around a lot of people. I go to a job that I am not good at. I feel like I am pick on constantly by the supervisor because to her I am not catching on and ” to her” usually by a month everyone catches on.
I feel like people at this job look at me like I am f ***kin’ stupid! When I ask a question. And most people would say, hey go look for another job…. No! That is not going to fix a damn thing- as far as I am concerned. I need to do something that I am good at!!! Which would be singing. But then I stop and think, I am 31 years old…… There are singers now who started earlier and now they are in their prime….How can I start at such ( in my eyes) an old age.
And then I think to myself: All I have is my singing…..God did not give me this voice to just waste it all away…. It is definitely not just for singing just in a church ( do not get me wrong I love singing in church, I love being on stage and worshiping with others -who are on stage and in the congregation). I want to get out in the world and sing and get paid for what I love doing…. My worship to God is priceless and so is sharing my heart.
I’ve notice through the years the jobs that I have worked, I have never been good at….. I must be destined for something more than jobs.
I feel like people want me to put my life on hold for their upcoming and just to forget about how Erica feels and what maybe going on in her life..
My heart yearns for different, my mind yearns for different. I need to venture out and get out of Jacksonville and start a new life…. I am tired of being around just phoniness and bullshit! I feel like if I can’t get what I want in life… Then my life should be cut short….. While I am breathing I want to do better….. I know that starts with me…. But like Jessie J said: It’s Hard To Follow Your Heart, sometimes.
This is how I feel, I need to vent my true feelings….. I could of said more… But this is enough to show you how I feel at this moment. I am hurt… I have a lot on my mind and it’s beyond just work……
Stop thinking that I am OK because you see a fuckin’ smile on my face, Stop thinking because your life is going as plan that I should pick myself up and say just fuck my feelings and be happy for you. Because that is not how it works ( in my eyes , right now).
As I type this, my tears relieve the pain, and aggravation I feel on the inside. No one will ever get Erica or understand her so in return I am viewed as a different person …. Which is cool….I am not going to change for anyone only God and myself.
I would apologize to you for my cussing but I did not give my life to you, I gave it to God and He is the only one that understands. I am not perfect and never will be. I am just showing in this post that this is my feelings for right now and as said before… There is more I could say, but I do not think it would be appropriate
PS. Just venting,
When you be who you are, people will run like roaches…. They will stay around you if you are being phony. Be true to who you are……….. You want people to accept who you are. … You want the real around you not the fake!
Everything I am saying is because of what I am feeling on the inside. I am just fed up and tired of everything.