Listen 2 My Heart Vlog#22 and #23

I put these two vlogs with each other because they coincide together. The first video is almost a story leading up to the reason of why I felt depress for so long. Sorry for the video quality. I will get better. Let me know your thoughts.




Taking control of my LIFE!

Fuel is food not theraphy

Today, I realized something. I do not think I tackled what I went through in my past. The reason I say this is because out of emotions today, I stuffed myself and bitched until I just started crying as I swallowed food that I didn’t want in my body. I have cried before when I stuffed my face out of emotion and then in return I made myself throw up ( I was on borderline of being bulimic)

I have always said that the verbal abuse that I received as a child did not have any effect on me, but I noticed that today that it was a lie! It has affected me. That is why I can say so proudly that I am fat, a big girl, big ass and etc. I don’t say it to boost my self-esteem. I say it to beat anyone that thinks about it or wants to say it. So, if they do come with the verbal abuse, I will feel better that I accept who I am.

The good thing about this is that I realized that those words did traumatize me. And now I have to fix what was done to me. I have accepted I am weak when it comes to food and discipline in my life, period. But the other good thing about that is, I choose to become better, I choose to beat what satan is trying to stop God from doing in my life. I cry as I write this blog because I want to WIN IN LIFE and I am not going to let this beat me. I can’t and I won’t!


Drastic Changes

Unhealthy Singer 14: Perservere


Something happened to me at church…….

Yesterday and even on Saturday I was not prepared to sing at Church ( May 7, 2017, Sunday). I did not want to sing and I felt so down and irritated. So I told my pastor that I was not spiritually ready to sing and I do not know if I am just depressed or is it my “diagnoses” of being bi-polar? As I said a while back in one of my old post: I do not claim to be bi-polar at all.  I really feel that what I went through at 18 years old was something that any normal person would go through. I just was in a lot of pain and did not know how to control my emotions. ( I will talk about that in a later post of how that all began).

But back to what I was saying, So after I explained all that to him, he then tells me NO! In such a calming way, lol. He explains to me why I should get on that stage and fight through the problem I am dealing with, and that what we fight are spiritual battles- ( Ephesians 6 )  In Ephesians chapter 6  it explains how we are fighting what we can’t see. And my pastor basically said, “You will defeat the devil by going on stage and worshiping God through worship and song”. And in my spirit, I accepted and understood what he was saying. And I did it! I persevered!

After I sung, I sat down and felt like a warrior. I knew right then that I had won my battle. It felt good. I felt relief.  That put a whole new perspective on my life. To just push through, Persevere ( Galatians 5 talks about the fruits of the spirit) and persevering is one of the fruits. My pastor helped me to understand what it really feels like to fight the battle, and know that you made it through. I know that I have fought many battles because I am still alive today.

But this battle was different for me. It had something to do with my singing. I keep saying and I will always say it, “How can you have a gift and not feel like using it, especially when it is something God has given you”? I guess that is where satan comes in and tries to attack every avenue of your life when he knows that God has something awesome for you and that God gave you such an awesome talent and gift that satan does not want the world to hear or see!

So I will continue to persevere. Starting today.

Remember this : There will always be that one person that can impact your life, to change something about you so that you can move on to the next chapter of your life.

What is one of your fruits that you need to work on? I mean, we all (at some degree) need to work on all of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. But what is one that you have a hard time dealing with?

Mines is self-control and perseverance.

Not only have my pastor impact me, but I have had a lot of people and loves one in my life teach me a thing or two and  made me take a second to rethink everything in my life. One of them is my husband and brother.

And to end this post. Here is a song that I know God wanted to keep dear to my heart. Maybe it will opened up your heart to Him

Galatians 5: Fruits of The Spirit
Ephesians 6: Battles


Unhealthy Singer 13: Healing



The Healing Process
Humbleness came into my spirit. My definition of humbleness is very different from God’s definition of humbleness. 



Since my last post……..

I went to the library after work. I took a private room so that I could think and talk to God. I got some paper from the Library’s copy machine, ( I do not think I should have done that, since you have to pay for the paper when you print or make copies, lol) I guess I’m a thief! But anywho, I then went back to my room and I sat down and began to think. I made 4 categories: One was for God, the other Singing Career, the other Weight loss, the other was finance and last but not least My Vocals.

I started making bullets for each category on what I need to do for each one. When I was done, I said to God that I want to be “persistent, consistent, I want to persevere and I want self-control”: I put that in the God category. I then looked at the categories and I saw how the other 4 categories surrounded my God Category. I then said with amazement, “It all begins with You! Everything that I want and desire and need begins with YOU!”

I’ve been running, losing faith and belief, and questioning Him and His existence for so long; I go around in circles to the point I am in a big deep round hole and when I’m tired of doing things on my own and my way while I am in that deep hole, I somehow find myself looking up to Him and going right back to Him to start over. That’s kind of like relationships, huh? lol.

The whole point of what I am saying is this is a healing process and for me, it starts with God. I have tried to do it my way and run away from Him. But I am like a child on a leash-He will let me go as far as that leash will take me, but He will always pull me back when I go off too far.

In conclusion: I am in a healing process….. If I start with God and do things the right way, MY LIFE WILL BECOME EASIER. I will still have bumps and bruises and might even add on more but if I stick with Him I will be just fine. It starts with Him, It starts with HIM.

Unhealthy Singer 12: This is a Journey


Same Old Street Change Blvd
This fits perfectly for my journey. This about sums it up!


As I started off with this series of an UNHEALTHY SINGER. It was about weight loss now it is turned into more of me being unhappy, depressed, not wanting to sing anymore, wanting my father’s love…….And the list could go on.  I need to be content but I am not content. I know some will tell me to do something about it, but when you are where I am at then you will understand my story. I am not trying to make any excuses- I am just trying to understand who I am and what direction I am going. For example:

My Weight:
I feel like I fail every day because one moment I am doing good and the next I am not. I want to stay consistent but it seems like I never succeed. I will honestly say, that I do feel like my weight has dropped a little ( maybe inch wise) But I need to check the SCALE~

My Singing:
I ask myself this question: How bad do I really want it? Do I really care about my singing? Can I really have a singing career? Am I unique? I do know that I want to share my gift with the world to make an impact on other’s lives and I do know that I do not want to waste my talent at some “job”.

That word above plays such part in me being depressed sometimes. I am learning to do better with my money but I sometimes do not succeed with staying consistent with doing better with my money……. I mean I am just TERRIBLE, lol! And I am not making that much at my job. But next month things should change a bit, but guys! I am really trying. And trying is just not enough for me.

Father’s Love
When it comes to a Father’s LOVE, it is very important to me. I am talking about the man who raised me in his on way, the best he knew how to raise me. I want his love so bad to point it hurts. I use to put: wanting my father’s love in the back of my mind, to prove that I was strong enough and did not need his love, a Father’s love but I do. My dad’s love would have prevented a lot of things in my life that went wrong if he would have given me and showed me his love.

I want to say what I say and DO IT. NO Excuses. I want to stay committed to everything and put my mind to it. I want to be grateful even when I do not have that much money on me. And even when I want to run away from God or I choose not to talk to Him and do it my way….. I know that He will be the one to fix Ol’ Erica. But I have to take some steps, you know?

I need some guidance…… I am going to ask God for guidance and then I am going searching.

PS. Every time I write my post, I sometimes get my answers. writing these post are therapeutic for me and they help me think. This is not just about my weight anymore, but about everything in my life that I need to conquer.

I guess this is what you call a Journey! This is my Goliath!

Philippians 4:13

Unhealthy Singer 9



Since the last time my husband and I spoke about my emotional eating, I have started to become more conscious about how I feel when I eat.

Last Friday on the 21st of April I was so stressed out with talking to so many customers yesterday that I said, “Dr. Pepper and Chocolate will be my friend tonight, lol”. I did not choose this because I was feeling bad for myself it was more like when some people are off from their job and they go get some beer or drink wine. That kind of thing. Anywho, I was very careful with how much I drank and the M&M’s I ate. I shared the 2 bags with my husband and I had 2 cups of Dr. Pepper (4oz). So, I think I did well.

I did have my temptations at the job but with God’s strength, I avoided them at all cost. It was not easy because I was hungry like my: head hurt hungry. Guys I am trying. I really am. I will tell you the other things I have eaten Saturday and Sunday and today.

Also, I have started drinking lemon water. It really helps with weight loss and since I have been drinking it since Saturday 22nd of April I can feel it cleaning the toxins out of my body. From how my body is reacting to the lemon water, I know for sure it is going to play a big part in my weight loss. Well here is my food diary.

Friday, 21st of April
-2 White Castle Burgers
-I had a small bag of chips with ranch dipping sauce
-2 Grilled tenders
-Grilled Chicken Sandwich with a handful in a 1/2 of fries
-4 cups of water
-2 cups of Dr. Pepper
-2 bags of M&M’s which I shared with my husband
-2 White Castle Burgers (gave one to my husband)

Saturday, 22nd of April
-3 Pancakes with 2 Turkey Sausages
-3 Tacos and a small taco bowl
– Lemon Water

Sunday, 23rd of April
– Fruit with Turkey Sausage, Egg and Bacon Bagel Sandwich w/strawberry spread
-2 Taco’s
-Lemon Water
-2 cups of coffee ( No sugar, just creamer)

Monday, 24th of April
– Bagel with 2 eggs and 2 bacon (strawberry spread)
-Cup of coffee (2) ( No sugar, just creamer)
-2 Tacos
-Lemon Water and Apple Juice


It’s not about conquering the weight, it is about my mindset. My mindset is the contributing factor to my weight loss

Unhealthy Singer!

The title explains it all. I know I was suppose to be documenting my weight loss and my eating habits, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s deeper then weight loss.  Emotionally, if I do not get my emotions under control, my weight will spiral out of control. So (for now) I am basically cutting a lot of foods out and taking my time to eat more consciously: So, that I can get my emotions under control. My past has a lot to do with my weight issues. A lot of vocal abuse that might have traumatized me a bit without thinking about it.

Like it says in the bible: Proverbs 12:18- There is one that speaks like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise brings health.

 I will not name any people but if  better things were spoken into my life at a young age, I truly believe that I would not have to deal with emotional eating or bulimia. Yes! I said, “BULIMIA”. At one point in my life, because I love the taste of food and I can not control my eating: I would devour or binge as much as I wanted and then once I was satisfied I would purge. That was back in 2008/2010. And I thought about doing it again because I am like… I do not think I am going to be able to control my eating. I mean, it is like a monster just eating away at me and I don’t think I have any strength to fight it.

I had a talk with my husband about 2 days ago. I broke down to him in tears explaining what I go through on a day to day basis. I explained that wanting to eat is a pleasure to me and I love it! Eating takes care of my anger, depression, sadness, and happiness. This is how it has always been since I was 14 years old.  A lot of other things contributed to this: UNHEALTHY SINGER, but I will explain more in a later video. But below is a video of my heart and the struggle.  I did this video on: April 14th 2017.

P.S. My husband is helping me like he always has but this time I am listening to him, instead of doing it my way!

Get away from the BLOOD SUCKERS!

learn to say no advice

This video was done on April 13th 2017. I meant what I said in this video but I feel much better today. I feel better from that day. But the feelings that I portrayed in this video are true and I mean every word from the bottom of my heart.  JUST LISTEN TO MY HEART! Hopefully this will reach out to someone who might need to hear this!

Becoming a Healthier Singer 8


I know I have not been posting like I should about my weight loss but I have been doing pretty good in my opinion. I went to the gym last Friday and burned 606 calories and the rest of the week I was moving to my new home. Since I have not been posting what I ate on the daily bases, I will start over and start with today.


I have not checked my weight yet but I know that I have lost inches. And I can show you a picture from when I was baptized Sunday, April 9th 2017. It might not look much to you but I can see the difference. To be continued……………   🙂Baptism

Becoming a Healthier Singer 6

The struggle

Ok, Guys! I have not been doing too well with the eating. I’ve changed my title for this journey of being a healthier me because I am having trouble with staying away from foods that are good to my taste buds and inner fat girl!. I work in a restaurant that has nothing but crispy chicken, burgers, fried zucchini, fries that are put in grease and cooked to golden perfection! but on the other hand there are grilled options as well. See the problem is, is that when I am burning calories by walking back forth and cleaning when there’s time to clean. I think in my mind that I should eat something fattening that way I will not be hungry later on.

I do not mind eating grilled, matter of fact I love grilled. But I feel that when I moved around so much in the restaurant, that by eating grilled I will become hungry more quickly.  I don’t know! May be I need to look up about calories and what to eat so that you will not get hungry so fast?

Here is my list of  what I ate on (03/24/2017) and (03/25/2017):

03/24/2017 Thursday

-Cup of coffee ( at night time at PDQ – where I work) I was very tired. I did back to back doubles: 10am-10pm)
-Buffy Bleu Crispy Tender Sandwich w/fries ( was very hungry)
-1/2 peanut butter cookie
-Juice box
-Cup of heath bits (2oz) – Only because of energy ( I was very tired)
-6 crispy nuggets
-2 grilled tenders

This list above is throughout the day not in one setting.

03/25/2017 Friday

-5 Crispy Tenders 4 dip in buffy bleu sauce and 1 tender by itself with ranch dipping sauce
-1 cup of ginger ale
-1/2 peanut butter chocolate chip
-1 crispy tender
-10 fries

I know above looks very bad, but I really do hope that at the end, I still have good results. I still have about 9 months to go until 2018. Hopefully I will see a new me. But the way things are going, it seems very unfortunate! But we shall see.