Listen 2 My Heart

Starting with this video….It shows that this YT channel is not all about singing. It is about my heart, my life! I try to portray that in all my videos: The real, and the genuine of me ( My Heart). My brother asked me one time, ” If I just want a singing career or if I want to make an impact on the world?” I want both but what really matters to me out of the two is making an impact on others (The World). This video is to reach out to the broken and more. Make an impact! Try to make a difference!

Advertisements

Just LISTEN!!!

Disclaimer: Below is how I felt earlier and I still feel this way, but with looking at myself in the mirror, I let out a lot of angst and even more. I would of cut out the cussing because I was afraid of what people would think…but then I thought to myself, if I can curse around other people and God hears me, then why am I silencing myself on my blog-especially when I am feeling what I am feeling. I named my blog, “Listen to my heart” for a reason. And not all of my post are going to Angelic. I don’t like cussing at all but sometimes when you are fed up it happens. I am working on stopping my cussing only because of God and how I need to represent Him. Please do not judge me or what is said below, This actually helped me.

 

HERE IT GOES……..OH, ALSO, IN SOME OF THIS POST, I MIGHT SOUND ALL OVER THE PLACE…..THAT IS BECAUSE I WAS VENTING AND HAD SO MUCH TO SAY BECAUSE I LET MY HEART BUILD UP AND I JUST EXPLODED!!!!! NOW,HERE IT GOES…………….

 

I sometimes wonder if It is worth fighting to live the life I want? I am getting to the point where I am disassociating myself from everyone because I am learning that you can’t just be around a lot of people.  I go to a job that I am not good at. I feel like I am pick on constantly by the supervisor because to her I am not catching on and ” to her” usually by a month everyone catches on.

I feel like people at this job look at me like I am f ***kin’ stupid! When I ask a question. And most people would say, hey go look for another job…. No! That is not going  to fix a damn thing- as far as I am concerned. I need to do something that I am good at!!! Which would be singing. But then I stop and think, I am 31 years old…… There are singers now who started earlier and now they are in their prime….How can I start at such ( in my eyes) an old age.

And then I think to myself: All I have is my singing…..God did not give me this voice to just waste it all away…. It is definitely not just for singing just in a church ( do not get me wrong I love singing in church, I love being on stage and worshiping with others -who are on stage and in the congregation). I want to get out in the world and sing and get paid for what I love doing…. My worship to God is priceless and so is sharing my heart.

I’ve notice through the years the jobs that I have worked, I have never been good at….. I must be destined for something more than jobs.

I feel like people want me to put my life on hold for their upcoming and just to forget about how Erica feels and what maybe going on in her life..

My heart yearns for different, my mind yearns for different. I need to venture out and get out of Jacksonville and start a new life…. I am tired of being around just phoniness and bullshit! I feel like if I can’t get what I want in life… Then my life should be cut short….. While I am breathing I want to do better….. I know that starts with me…. But like Jessie J said: It’s Hard To Follow Your Heart, sometimes.

This is how I feel, I need to vent my true feelings….. I could of said more… But this is enough to show you how I feel at this moment. I am hurt… I have a lot on my mind and it’s beyond just work……

Stop thinking that I am OK because you see a fuckin’ smile on my face, Stop thinking because your life is going as plan that I should pick myself up and say just fuck my feelings and be happy for you. Because that is not how it works ( in my eyes , right now).

As I type this, my tears relieve the pain, and aggravation I feel on the inside. No one will ever get Erica or understand her so in return I am viewed as a different person …. Which is cool….I am not going to change for anyone only God and myself.

I would apologize to you for my cussing but I did not give my life to you, I gave it to God and He is the only one that understands. I am not perfect and never will be. I am just showing in this post that this is my feelings for right now and as said before… There is more I could say, but I do not think it would be appropriate

 

PS. Just venting,

When you be who you are, people will run like roaches…. They will stay around you if you are being phony. Be true to who you are……….. You want people to accept who you are. … You want the real around you not the fake!

Everything I am saying is because of what I am feeling on the inside. I am just fed up and tired of everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We shall overcome: Be the change you wish to see in the world!

I did a cover of me singing: We Shall Overcome!!! That song came to my heart because of all of the hate, deaths, murders, bullying, suicides, racism ( which our people fought and died  to end that but to no avail we still see it today).

The children are dying younger and younger….And the list goes on. And you try to figure out why Colin Kaepernick did not salute the flag?  Because of what it stands for in this day in age. And I don’t blame him and I respect him for what he believes. Until we see change in the negativity and the crap that is happening in this world….Things will continue to get worse. And the crazy thing about it all is: We as people can stop the madness and violence. We have a choice and we have a voice…. We just choose to let satan take control and use us as an experiment. And the more we continue to fight fire with fire there will never be changed.

 

And Until we start making change and taking a stand like Colin Kaepernick did….This world will continue to go to hell in a hand basket

Agree or Disagree: It’s Your Opinion against mines!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unhealthy Singer 13: Healing

 

 

The Healing Process
Humbleness came into my spirit. My definition of humbleness is very different from God’s definition of humbleness. 

 

 

Since my last post……..

I went to the library after work. I took a private room so that I could think and talk to God. I got some paper from the Library’s copy machine, ( I do not think I should have done that, since you have to pay for the paper when you print or make copies, lol) I guess I’m a thief! But anywho, I then went back to my room and I sat down and began to think. I made 4 categories: One was for God, the other Singing Career, the other Weight loss, the other was finance and last but not least My Vocals.

I started making bullets for each category on what I need to do for each one. When I was done, I said to God that I want to be “persistent, consistent, I want to persevere and I want self-control”: I put that in the God category. I then looked at the categories and I saw how the other 4 categories surrounded my God Category. I then said with amazement, “It all begins with You! Everything that I want and desire and need begins with YOU!”

I’ve been running, losing faith and belief, and questioning Him and His existence for so long; I go around in circles to the point I am in a big deep round hole and when I’m tired of doing things on my own and my way while I am in that deep hole, I somehow find myself looking up to Him and going right back to Him to start over. That’s kind of like relationships, huh? lol.

The whole point of what I am saying is this is a healing process and for me, it starts with God. I have tried to do it my way and run away from Him. But I am like a child on a leash-He will let me go as far as that leash will take me, but He will always pull me back when I go off too far.

In conclusion: I am in a healing process….. If I start with God and do things the right way, MY LIFE WILL BECOME EASIER. I will still have bumps and bruises and might even add on more but if I stick with Him I will be just fine. It starts with Him, It starts with HIM.

Get away from the BLOOD SUCKERS!

learn to say no advice

This video was done on April 13th 2017. I meant what I said in this video but I feel much better today. I feel better from that day. But the feelings that I portrayed in this video are true and I mean every word from the bottom of my heart.  JUST LISTEN TO MY HEART! Hopefully this will reach out to someone who might need to hear this!

Try not to JUDGE, YOU really don’t know ME!

From the situation that has came into my life, I am learning to not take peoples lives for granted,anymore. Meaning, I am not going to let money/work life/ or whatever it is be more important then the love ones in my life. From my understanding and in my own opinion I believe that we take peoples lives for granted without knowing it, and then when God is ready for them to leave this earth, we then realize what we had. And I can say this because of what has happened to my Uncle (RIH). My uncles death was not natural, it was a violent death, and in saying that: YOU REALLY,NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR LOVE ONE WILL LEAVE THIS EARTH! I did not think that a bullet would rupture my uncle’s chest and then bam! I get a call that he is gone! And to make things worse, my uncle is dead because of someone (that I know) took it upon themselves to take an innocent life!: Within a moment he was here and then gone.

I do not really care if it was self defense, other precautions could of been taken before it resulted in death by a bullet! In saying all of this, you never know what life may bring, so take each day seriously and work on your life to become better: physically, mentally and financially but do not let it replaced the one you love to the point, talking is not important or saying I love is not important anymore. LIFE, is really too PRECIOUS. Do not take it for granted. Or you will be like me- wishing I would of told my uncle I love you more and talked to him more and took him out more! Even though he was on drugs, he still was my uncle breathing Gods air and I took him for granted and judge him. How I judge him?

By thinking he is on drugs, I did not want to be around him
By thinking that he does not remember me, I barely said anything to him
By holding anger in because of the way he was. I knew that he could be better then what he was, what he succumb to.

There are a lot of things we could of done to help my uncle get off of drugs. If we would of just stopped our lives for a moment! And lend a helping hand,prayed for him,  (he believed in God, so put the word of God in him) but no one (other than my brother) did anything to help my Uncle. I just judge just like the rest of us did. My brother, my cousin (his son) took him by the hand and loved on him and to my knowledge “Never Judge him.” Regardless of the usage of drugs, they still saw Uncle.

So, my thing is: Look at your life and look at other’s. Is your life that bad that you can’t stop and say I love you, let me pray for you,let’s go out, let’s talk, let me hug you, Or I will listen-POUR YOUR HEART AND MIND OUT TO ME: And if you want my advice, I will give it but only if you ask.

The situation with my uncle has changed my whole perspective on life and how I think. And my priorities. What is more important: Money or Life? I choose LIFE!!!! Because once that person is gone…..Money damn sure, can’t bring them back!

My advice: THINK, SIT BACK, BREATHE, LOOK AT LIFE, GET IN THE SLOW LANE FOR A WHILE. You will see more to life than: Materials and Money. You will see what God really has,what He has created. You. will. see. His. BEAUTY

don't judge

 

Just a thought!

just-a-thought

I don’t really have much to say today but I do thank God that I am beating procrastination and sticking to what I want in life. I do pray that it is in God’s will, because when it is in His will, I believe that everything will fall in place and things will go smoothly in my life. Not saying that problems want arise (that is part of life) but I will know that everything was done in God’s timing. Plus, I want all my decisions to be better then what they were before. Just a little thought to share with myself and whoever reads my blogs. Have a bless day! And may you make a difference in life.

The Silence Of The Girl

enjoy-the-silence
This is perfect for a singer like me!

SILENCED! They say, “And so I will”

Silence……Is…..The…….Key!

You know when things seem out of whack?- the first time and a couple of other times you are angry and upset and always reiterating your feelings of why you hate the predicament that you are in? Then as months and days go by you decide to just shut up! and become….. SILENT!? Well, “Today Is That Day”. I still speak but whatever I am bothered or upset about… I just keep it bottled in and I hide it in my Brain Closet-clever. Silence is the key for me. I think it is better that way.

 

Have a bless morning and stay tune……”THE SILENCE OF THE GIRL”

 

Don’t be AFRAID to live your LIFE!!!

Fear Not

I just notice that I was afraid to live life.  I was afraid to be happy and  joyful because of the circumstances I am in. I ask myself why should I be happy and joyful when I am in this predicament? -I am scared to be happy because my life is not they way I want it to be.

After all the questions and doubts, Today ( August 25, 2016 Thursday)   I finally decided  to live life with purpose and ignore the fear and negativity that I allowed satan to put in my mind.

satan is here to kill steal and destroy-don’t allow him to.

It didn’t work when I said, “If you can’t do anything about it why worry”?  What worked  was when I said,” I AM GOING TO Live  MY LIFE” —AND WHAT MADE A DIFFERENCE IS: I believe I actually put it in God’s hands.  I am going to live my life and I am going to do what I need to do to get where I need to be. Because If I sit back and do nothing and I just worry about what is not happening,  I am going to waste my life away and I will not get anywhere. As I said above: satan is here to kill steal and destroy and I am not going to give that minion  any type of satisfaction anymore.

I am learning to pray through the storm and just give it to God because what I can’t control He can fix and what I can control, I can control. I feel good since I am just going to let whatever negativity and circumstance in my life go and give it to Him.

This step has took some process, it did not happen overnight. I am  just happy I recognized that my joy  is more important to my health. And I am going to live it God’s way. His way is better then my ways. What I want for myself is cool but God has better for me, which is beyond my expectations.

For me, TIME IS TICKING!!!!

I am at the end of my bridge where my life is hanging by a rope!!! I am giving myself so much rope that I am hanging myself and I don’t have that much oxygen left.  I am at the point in my life that I don’t know how I am going to get my life back on the right track. It is not enough to just try, I want to SUCCEED. Right now I am in a movie….A very long movie, and it want end until I’ve accomplish something or ANYTHING!!! or maybe until  I meet my fate. I am 30 ( I felt like I just made a statement!) UGH,  saying that makes me cringe because I have nothing to show FOR IT . Yep, I am one of those people….I want more for my life then where I am now.

I am not complaining.That will not change anything but what I want to know is how am I going to get my self out of this deep graveyard that I am in? Any answers will be helpful!!!! or shall I close my casket!!!! LOL,No, but seriously………..

 

I am way past 6 feet underground…. I am deep….  I am almost at the core of the EARTH!!!!

 

Time is ticking on this earth for me