I am getting to a point in my life of knowing that worship to God is not just about singing, it is not just about your gift (your gift is to worship God). It is more then that!! It is not about how good you sound or your scared you might mess up because you are singing in front of the congregation. It is about that one on one connection with the Holy Spirit- (do everything in spirit and it truth and everything else will fall into place)- when it comes to having that type of connection with God. We become complacent in the church to where everything is timed: Worship/Preaching/even spending time with people in the church……… I believe and know that God wants to take control of everything if you let Him. If you let God take control!!!! It will be a beautiful thing… Stop worrying about time….If people want to leave the church because you are taking too long then let them…. It is about you and God and no one else. Let’s be ourselves in church—-Let everything go and be free with your creator…Stop with all the timing and be free…. Some people need that type worship in church to where they can just let Go and let God take control. I do know and believe that people come to church because they want to let go and they don’t want to be afraid of what people might think, or be timed on how long they can praise God. I remember this church I use to go to called: Life Changing Ministries-And there was one day where the pastor allowed God to take over and we just laid ourselves(flaws and all) to God (we surrender everything and laid it at His wonderful feet) The pastor did not get a chance to preach-because how strong the spirit was that day in the church. So, to all churches If you feel the spirit about to take over, don’t go by what you think you should do!!! Follow the spirit—– You don’t know what God sees in the church..Sometimes people need to cry out to God in the wilderness when they seem all alone and don’t know what to do…. His thoughts are higher then our thoughts and His ways are different then our ways…. Don’t stop what God needs to do in church.
The way I feel today: Is a little upset and hurt! I’ve made decisions in my life that I am not happy with, and I want to get away from the future that I am in now. I do believe that days will get better, I Just wish that day was here NOW!!! I am 29 and nothing to show for it, that is my fault. The question is…. What am I going to do now? I wish I could go back into my past and change some situation, and then maybe, hopefully, I will not be in the mess that I am in now… But, this is the real world and your mistakes are your mistakes and you can’t change them…. All you can do is accept those changes and move on to the other decisions and changes you want to make in your life….. I just pray to God that I make more good changes then bad decisions…. Like everyone would say, ” It is up to you Erica, It is up to you!”
I am sorry for such a halt in The Blogging of My Heart. I’ve just been having somethings going on and now I am back! I am going to try, with God’s strength to blog even when I am having my problems or a bad day. My last post was about me being bi-polar and possibly taking pills for my bi-polar. But since then I have not took the pills and I actually feel better- I believe it is because of God and not accepting this sickness-has helped me. I would not recommend this for any one ( I am not a doctor) ( not taking the pills or stop taking them). My past and my husband have helped me even more. I don’t believe that I was bi-polar, I believe that I did not deal with a lot of things when I was little, I just dealt with when it happened and all of a sudden I snapped at 17 years old and I went through a very rough trial—-but I am better, I feel better, I have not been depressed since the last post I wrote. I believe every ones (when dealing with being diagnosed by a psych)-it depends on you if you don’t want to accept it. I can’t tell you how to live your life with a illness but I can say that my belief in not accepting this illness has changed my life. And I thank God. I know my posts of me speaking about my bi-polar/ or having it-will confused people. But I will say that some of the posts are from a women trying to find herself….AND I STILL AM!!!! I GIVE GLORY TO GOD, I PAT MYSELF ON MY BACK AND I THANK MY HUSBAND.
As I woke up this morning………Anger,hatred, wanting to cry and just run away and be to myself filled me. No one understands why I feel the way I feel. I barely understand it! I guess I better setup a psychiatrist appointment and get on my meds because I am not doing too well. I am not myself…. I am not who Erica should be. I am starting to feel the reason of why” maybe” God has not open up any doors for me because of my mental illness and me not taking my pills to help this chemical imbalance. Why did I have to have this disease? Until then I am just going to pray……and ask God to help me with this until I get better!
I went to the counselor at 1pm today and to tell you the truth….. He really helped me out a lot. I def need to get on my meds but that want be until next mth if I have not lost my job yet. I am bi polar and no one cares- and I am talking about a job.,, I am suppose to be going tomorrow but I might call out then… And I know I will be fired then. I need help, I pray I can go tomorrow. I really want to go Tuesday but I know that, is just a dream, I guess I will see what happens tomorrow. I will let you know what are my choices that I will be living with tomorrow.
- Ok, my depression did not not just start today or yesterday! It started about 2 weeks ago, while at work. But for the last week I have been down, very down and I have no control over it! When I wake up in the morning ( just like today) I am scared and down. Since my job is paying for me to see a counselor- I wonder what they are going to do for me? I went the first time to a counselor and I thought it went great because she had the same thing I had- bi polar but I felt like she was talking more about her problems then mines and I felt rush so I wonder how this guy is going to do! Man, so that I can work and keep the job I have – all I want is meds! All I want to do is get better and people keep giving me the run around. I remember when I was in Georgia and they had a free clinic where you talked to a psychiatrist and they had group meetings after that you got your medication, if you need it! And it was like $5.00. But I’ve been looking up for that same type of treatment. And it seems like “Stupid Jacksonville” has NOTHING! And on that note- it seems that my mother (rih) was the only one who believed and understood what I was going through…. I am a Christian with a disorder and I need help. Also why people think mental illness is not real and if you take medication, it is a placebo to make you think it is working? I have people in my family that think like that! And it irks my nerves! One thing I will say, be careful who you tell your business….. Mental illness is as real as cancer!
I’ve been going through something’s and when I need help- I can’t even get it! Like I had stated way before-I am bi-polar and I have stop taking my pills. I went two years in not taking them but it has hit me that I need to take them to get better. I still believe that God has healed me and I will be healed but in his timing. This post makes me seem so fake because of what I said in my previous post…. But I guess that is a mind of a bi polar person! Anyways, well I have been asking people for help because I need to start taking something immediately before my insurance kicks in on June 1st. But I cant seem to find anything or anyone to help me. I might lose my job because of my illness…. And that sucks.. I really have no control over what I feel right now! Anyways just sharing my thoughts you all have a bless day,
I had a dream… In that dream I ran to a fence and I seen angels! And while the angels were gathering around me: These big black birds-almost the size of falcons… Started to come at me… These birds were near me but they could not touch me. I then ( while the angels followed me ) Ran to my church and inside the church I was with other people ( and the reason I say other people is because it was not my people that go to- (Jacksonville Worship Center ) This dream, felt like I was in a rapture…. This is the third dream of the rapture. People wake up and get your life right with Christ and start to believe with your heart and soul who is the TRUE MESSIAH!!
P.S- my mother who past away in April 2009 was in my dream as well- I was driving her somewhere in she looked very sick and she then turned me and said- CANCER. Now I don’t know how to interpret that: either she is telling me I am going to have cancer or I finally know how she really died. A very deep and powerful dream.
“Any comments spiritually and are from God would be appreciated.”
Today was an unusual day! My husband and I barely had a penny to our name. All of a sudden I get home from work and now we have a full tank of gas for the rest of this week and partial of next week and a little change to put in our pockets! But I will tell you… I can’t wait until the 31st of March… Pay Day!!!!
Today, Is an IFFY day! I want things to get better. They need to get better. I am tired of struggling financially. I just wish I could go somewhere where there is peace, because where I am at right now could be better, but I will take one day at a time. God I need your comfort and peace.