I think I finally have come to terms with the fact that I am “BIPOLAR”… And I came to realization when I was at church. And what makes this illness and I so unique is because I am a “SINGER” that is “BIPOLAR”. Crazy, huh? I was making a decision of, if I was going to leave the church because I felt so distant and scattered. Well, as I search for an answer from God I finally figured out that it was me and not the church and I was pushing everybody else away; people on the worship team and the people closest to me in the congregation. I came to this conclusion yesterday night @ church May 18,2014 Sunday-( They had a special where it was just worship) when I was going to make my decision of staying away from others in the church and not going back to my church.
While doing worship, I began to ask God what should I do and what is wrong with me? Why am I acting the way that I I am acting? And then I just started singing to Him and worshiping and not worrying about how I sound. And after that, I broke down crying hard and said, “its me!”; I am an emotional person and I am “BIPOLAR”!
I let everything bother me, I put my heart into everything to the point it is deadly, I dissect every subtle thing a person may do or say to me; I cry because of sensitivity and I cry when nothing is bothering me, I think about cutting but I never take action ( like I use too, which is a good thing) I love so hard that if I get hurt, I take the hurt in deeply and I begin to pull away so that I want get hurt.
I sound like a nut case don’t I? Even called myself a: “Freak” But I turned the word “Freak” into “The Bipolar Gospel Singer”-which I think is pretty unique for me. I turn something that is an illness into something creative!
I am trying to deal with these problems without taking medication, but after being more detailed with my husband and telling my pastors and my worship leader what I am dealing with- they all agree that I should get back on my medicine. The reason of me telling them about my past and what I am going through today—-is because I had them very confused on my actions and the way I presented my behavior towards them. And I know they were questioning my every motive. Now, that they have an understanding of what my problem is, things are going to get better for me in church and with my personal life.
My bipolar is not as bad as it use to be but I do have my moments.
After revealing my illness, I kinda stayed to myself today at work ( May 19,2014 Monday) so that I would not aggravate my bipolar, and it worked-I mean I still spoke to people but I did not allow my personality to show like I usually do at work-and a person that has bipolar knows where I am coming from. I believe that I am going to take the medication but I will only take half. God is still working on me But, I am still debating. So, I have not Succumb to the Zombies yet. Even if I do start taking my medicine I have to search around for a free clinic because I do not have insurance to go see a psychiatrist.
I am learning to deal with my illness by putting God first and just accepting that I might have it forever or it might be temporary. Who knows? All I know is that I have been winning since I was 17 🙂
SIDE NOTE: Bipolar is very irritating and it can mess your life up and the people you love if you are not taking medication or trying out ways to deal with it. Just like cancer-FIGHT IT!, until you are delivered from the illness. I know I told you in my previous post that I was delivered from taking the medication, and I still am,even if I am going to cont taking the medication……. I speak positivity over my life and I believe that God will heal me. Remember it was my decision to get off the pill.. Not God. I will con’t to consult with the Holy Spirit more on other ways to substitute medication for other ways to help my bipolar.
PLEASE WATCH ONE OF MY SINGING VIDEOS BELOW AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY YT CHANNEL–EricaSimpson0705
Either click or copy and paste in your browser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAx8HCFJgiw