The “Bipolar” Gospel Singer

I face the world with my voice.


I think I finally have come to terms with the fact that I am “BIPOLAR”… And I came to realization when I was at church. And what makes  this illness and I so unique is because I am a “SINGER” that is “BIPOLAR”. Crazy, huh?  I was making a decision of, if  I was going to leave the church because I felt so distant and scattered. Well, as I search for an answer from God I finally figured out that it was me and not the church and I was pushing everybody else away; people on the worship team and the people closest to me in the congregation. I came to this conclusion yesterday night @ church May 18,2014 Sunday-( They had a special where it was  just worship) when I was going to make my decision of staying away from others in the church and not going back to my church.

While doing worship, I began to ask  God what should I do and what is wrong with me? Why am I acting the way that I I am acting? And then I just started singing to Him and worshiping and not worrying about how I sound. And after that, I broke down crying hard and said, “its me!”; I am an emotional person and I am “BIPOLAR”!

I let everything bother me, I put my heart into everything to the point it is deadly, I dissect every subtle thing a person may do or say to me; I cry because of sensitivity and I cry when nothing is bothering me, I think about cutting but I never take action ( like I use too, which is a good thing) I love so hard that if I get hurt, I take the hurt in deeply and I begin to pull away so that I want get hurt.

I sound like a nut case don’t I? Even called myself a: “Freak” But I turned the word “Freak” into “The Bipolar Gospel Singer”-which I think is pretty unique for me. I turn something that is an illness into something creative!

I am trying to deal with these problems without taking medication, but after being more detailed with my husband and telling my  pastors and my worship leader what I am dealing with- they all agree that I should get back on my medicine. The reason of me telling them about my past and what I am going through today—-is because I had them very confused on my actions and the way I presented my behavior towards them.  And I know they were questioning my every motive. Now, that they have an understanding of what my problem is, things are going to get better for me in church and with my personal life.

My bipolar is not as bad as it use to be but I do have my moments.

After revealing my illness, I kinda stayed to myself today at work ( May 19,2014 Monday) so that I would not aggravate my bipolar, and it worked-I mean I still spoke to people but I did not allow my personality to show like I usually do at work-and a person that has bipolar knows where I am coming from. I believe that I am going to take the medication but I will only take half. God is still working on me But, I am still debating. So, I have not Succumb to the Zombies yet. Even if I do start taking my medicine I have to search around for a free clinic because I do not have insurance to go see a psychiatrist.


I am learning to deal with my illness by putting God first and just accepting that I might have it forever or  it might be temporary. Who knows? All I know is that I have been winning since I was 17 🙂

The faces of Bipolar
The Faces of Bipolar


 SIDE NOTE: Bipolar is very irritating and it can mess your life up and the people you love if you are not  taking medication or trying out ways to deal with it. Just like cancer-FIGHT IT!, until you are delivered from the illness. I  know I told you in my previous post that I was delivered from taking the medication, and I still am,even if I am going to cont taking the medication……. I speak positivity over  my life and I believe that God will heal me. Remember it was  my decision to get off the pill.. Not God. I will con’t to consult with the Holy Spirit more on other ways to substitute medication for other ways to help my bipolar.



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I am STRONGER then my illness

I have finally come to a conclusion……………….

That I am an EMOTIONAL person. Because of my emotions I have caused problems in the past and in my future.  I believe people would not understand that I am a “little” bi-polar and I am learning how to control my emotions. The most SUBTLE things can get to me and that person will not even know that it has affected me -not saying that anyone would not caused hurt towards me, But I cause a lot of confusions by letting my emotions get the best of me and IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!  I know the people that  I am associated with (family, friends (I use that world lightly) and co-workers: will not understand why I behave  the way I do and  how my actions push them away…. However, certain things that  I do, does not always have to be my bi-polar… But, I know the symptoms of having bi-polar episodes and I believe I have them everyday.. I just know how to control it w/o taking medication.


I will choose the answer: It's Making Me "STRONGER"
I will choose the answer:
It’s Making Me “STRONGER”

I do not believe that my illness is as strong and present as it use to be and I give God the glory because of it and my husband who endured the pain with me  and never gave up on me- even when he did not understand.

I really want to help a lot of people with  this illness-what I have been through-and all that info will be in my book that I am writing. The rough draft is finish but  I still have a long way to go… I should be done by July…With the book being ready, I think!!! Lets see #excited

Irritation Transforms Into Positivity

I get really irritated with people who do ignorant,and stupid things!!! 

I mean.. You can make life easier by just “COOPERATING”, but you rather be  “DIFFICULT”!!!!The Face of Irriation Aaaaaahhhhhhhh   !!!!.

I just do not understand “HUMANS”, I know I am a Christian-but I sometimes want to “SLAP” people right in the back of their neck…. Just ranting here…. I talked about this situation to my husband and “to myself”, Yep!, to myself,lol.


I walked an hour today, it was kind of a choice and then it was because of the fact of not having anyone to pick me up. One “Awesome Present” about me walking from work is: The walk will benefit me losing weight. So, for now own, even if it takes an hour I am going to be walking home from work…That way- 1. “Reiterating the sentence above”-I am going to be losing weight and 2. I will get my exercising out of the way and on to doing other tasks.

Noticing “His” Presence

There is something special I want to share. I have been feeling this a lot lately, especially in the bathroom (Don’t laugh yet- I am going somewhere with this) ; Anyways, I usually, when I am getting ready to sing on Sunday, I would be in the bathroom rehearsing my songs which turns into worship. I think, I made a place for the Holy Spirit to come in and base in my presence “In the bathroom” -in saying that: Every time I am in the bathroom, I start to feel emotional for no reason and began to cry…. I thought it was because of depression or some other mental illness that I “use” to have; Mind you, I did not feel depressed or unhappy-right then I knew that it was nothing but God’s Presence and He wanted me to worship and hearken to His gentle voice. Speaking about it now has me jittery inside, in a “good way”. When you start to want to seek God’s face, He will start coming to you-“like a child would want his mother”…….

There is this song that touches my spirit a lot, every time I listen to it. It is called: Holy by Kim Walker ( I believe I talked about this in another post) But, when I listen and I sing this song I am learning how to worship God- it relates to my heart, and my mind in a “MIRACULOUS WAY” .

One part of the song that I take in so deeply is this verse: This verse below in the picture – In my heart- I let God know what He has done for me in the process of my pain and long years of dealing in agony. I am letting Him know that “He brung me out of the darkness and into the light” and I am so thankful for “His Love and Mercy”. These verses are very powerful: The whole song is awesome but these 4 verses speak to me:

Just one look - on Your face Just one glance - of Your eye My whole world - is changed My whole world - is changed
Just one look – on Your face
 Just one glance – of Your eye
 My whole world – is changed
 My whole world – is changed

Just sitting here, while I type this post, I am beginning to feel Him and I am feeling that emotion again, of wanting to cry- I know that is” His gentle SPIRIT“. My God……. Now, I know what my mom felt when she began to have that intimate relationship with God.  I have always ask God- to let me have that relationship that He had with my mom and I am getting a taste of Heaven that my mother endured.…. The more I seek him, the more he will show up unexpectedly- AND I WANT THAT!! 🙂





Just a little post

Well, I always want to write a post everyday but today I have nothing to really talk about. I am the type of person that when I feel something….That is when I want to write. Right now, I am just happy and ready for things to start happening for the BEST! Hopefully there will be something to post tomorrow. Love you all and have a bless night. May God be with you through the storm and while you peacefully sleep.

A mother should be honored everyday, not just today


                                 I don’t  know what to really say……. But for once, I am silent, nothing much to speak of. At this moment I feel pain, I feel hurt and I want let that pain out.  Even though I feel distraught and a little out of it; I still have the strength to go on through the hurt that I am witnessing as I type this post.

Everyone that has a mother, whether biological or not, LOVE on her today and forever-because you never know when God will take her to be with Him. Don’t let her last breath be the only scene you reminisce about on a daily bases. Let every moment you live to be a moment you spend with her-One day she will be in your presence and the next……..A MEMORY.


Cherish her Love, Wisdom and  Laughter
Cherish her Love, Wisdom and Laughter

A changed has to come

It pains my husband and I to know that we have to push ourselves to go to a job that does not fulfill our purpose in life-

“what we want to do with our lives is bigger then anyone can imagine” 


I was speaking with God about this problem, that we have, and while I silently waited- I started to tear up, and I said to God, “You Understand”! and once again, He was letting me know that He was there and He understood our situation. My husband and I are working on some Amazing Things to replace our jobs income. I can not wait until that happens!


This is my definition of fighting "My" depression. What is yours?
This is my definition of fighting “My” depression. What is yours?


There is something that I want to share with you…Share with the world…… There is a lot I want to tell you, but I don’t want to let a lot out because of the mere fact, I want you to get to know a little about  me each day.

Since I was 17, I  have been fighting with  DEPRESSION. Where it came from,well, I have a  mental illness history on my father’s side; And the harder I get close to God the more satan tries to bring “oldies” back into my life. Today, I am having a depression episode… I am emotional and I really do not want to do anything today but I have to keep working hard so I can have a better life then where I am now. I can not accept this life I am in today, I want better….But with having depression, It is hard to do what I need to do-Talking to God (which is my motivation) I strive to do what needs to be done.

Do I still feel depressed after speaking to God? Yes and sometimes No. It depends on the situation-but  it is because of God’s Strength & Perseverance that I am able to get through my STORMS.

I use to take medication, which made me sleepy, that is “one ” of the reason I stop taking them. There was a time that I would go on and off the  medicine, which comes to my “second” reason: I believed that I did not need it as much as the Psychiatrist propose. I am proud to say that It has been 2 years since I have been off my medication. Do I need it now because I am having an episode?  I still say, no!! I want to fight this and I am not going to rely on a pill.

 In the past, around my early teens and early 20″s I needed the medicine desperately because I was not in control. I can say now, that I am in control of  “Erica”-and I do not need the medication anymore.It really does not benefit me at all-once the pill wears off then what do you do? You take another one and another one after that- it never ceases! It is almost like drinking or smoking constantly-once the high wears off, you are back to reality.

What gets me through my illness is God and I am going to depend on Him ( I am not trying to be religious, it is just my belief in Him).  I am not downing anyone that has depression and is  taking their medication for their illness- you are not me and I am not you. Not everyone can do what I do or what I have done. I do believe that people that have depression, if you feel that you are ready to stop, then stop. However, if you are not ready, then continue taking your medication. Just do what you feel. I did and I am doing great, I just have my days. DON’T! stop taking the medicine because of me, this is just my theory and what I feel is right for my MIND,BODY and SPIRIT 🙂


I Feel a little depressed today. Everyday I wake up, it is the same routine. I am not going to say much because I do not want to start anything but things need to change. And it starts with me. I was laying on the floor watching a movie and as I was watching it, I thought to myself,  I am the only person that can change my life. And me sitting here depress is not going to change nothing. So, after I write this post I am going to work on my dreams that I am trying to accomplish before this year is over with.  Man, God is good… I could of slept through my misery, but I chose to do something to make a change financially and mentally-train my brain to work harder. Where I work at is not going to change my life, being depress is not going to change my life.

“Erica (through God who strengthens me) is going to change her life!!!!”.Image God, please give me the strength because for me, this journey is going to be hard, and I am already about to cry. Who ever is reading this understands what I am going through. When you don’t have anyone trying to push you and you have to push yourself it is a very hard feeling…. But, I am proud of myself for being able to use the strength God gave me to push myself to accomplish my dreams. I feel pretty good now that I have written my thoughts down.