Well, I always want to write a post everyday but today I have nothing to really talk about. I am the type of person that when I feel something….That is when I want to write. Right now, I am just happy and ready for things to start happening for the BEST! Hopefully there will be something to post tomorrow. Love you all and have a bless night. May God be with you through the storm and while you peacefully sleep.
I don’t know what to really say……. But for once, I am silent, nothing much to speak of. At this moment I feel pain, I feel hurt and I want let that pain out. Even though I feel distraught and a little out of it; I still have the strength to go on through the hurt that I am witnessing as I type this post.
Everyone that has a mother, whether biological or not, LOVE on her today and forever-because you never know when God will take her to be with Him. Don’t let her last breath be the only scene you reminisce about on a daily bases. Let every moment you live to be a moment you spend with her-One day she will be in your presence and the next……..A MEMORY.
It pains my husband and I to know that we have to push ourselves to go to a job that does not fulfill our purpose in life-
“what we want to do with our lives is bigger then anyone can imagine”
I was speaking with God about this problem, that we have, and while I silently waited- I started to tear up, and I said to God, “You Understand”! and once again, He was letting me know that He was there and He understood our situation. My husband and I are working on some Amazing Things to replace our jobs income. I can not wait until that happens!
There is something that I want to share with you…Share with the world…… There is a lot I want to tell you, but I don’t want to let a lot out because of the mere fact, I want you to get to know a little about me each day.
Since I was 17, I have been fighting with DEPRESSION. Where it came from,well, I have a mental illness history on my father’s side; And the harder I get close to God the more satan tries to bring “oldies” back into my life. Today, I am having a depression episode… I am emotional and I really do not want to do anything today but I have to keep working hard so I can have a better life then where I am now. I can not accept this life I am in today, I want better….But with having depression, It is hard to do what I need to do-Talking to God (which is my motivation) I strive to do what needs to be done.
Do I still feel depressed after speaking to God? Yes and sometimes No. It depends on the situation-but it is because of God’s Strength & Perseverance that I am able to get through my STORMS.
I use to take medication, which made me sleepy, that is “one ” of the reason I stop taking them. There was a time that I would go on and off the medicine, which comes to my “second” reason: I believed that I did not need it as much as the Psychiatrist propose. I am proud to say that It has been 2 years since I have been off my medication. Do I need it now because I am having an episode? I still say, no!! I want to fight this and I am not going to rely on a pill.
In the past, around my early teens and early 20″s I needed the medicine desperately because I was not in control. I can say now, that I am in control of “Erica”-and I do not need the medication anymore.It really does not benefit me at all-once the pill wears off then what do you do? You take another one and another one after that- it never ceases! It is almost like drinking or smoking constantly-once the high wears off, you are back to reality.
What gets me through my illness is God and I am going to depend on Him ( I am not trying to be religious, it is just my belief in Him). I am not downing anyone that has depression and is taking their medication for their illness- you are not me and I am not you. Not everyone can do what I do or what I have done. I do believe that people that have depression, if you feel that you are ready to stop, then stop. However, if you are not ready, then continue taking your medication. Just do what you feel. I did and I am doing great, I just have my days. DON’T! stop taking the medicine because of me, this is just my theory and what I feel is right for my MIND,BODY and SPIRIT 🙂
I Feel a little depressed today. Everyday I wake up, it is the same routine. I am not going to say much because I do not want to start anything but things need to change. And it starts with me. I was laying on the floor watching a movie and as I was watching it, I thought to myself, I am the only person that can change my life. And me sitting here depress is not going to change nothing. So, after I write this post I am going to work on my dreams that I am trying to accomplish before this year is over with. Man, God is good… I could of slept through my misery, but I chose to do something to make a change financially and mentally-train my brain to work harder. Where I work at is not going to change my life, being depress is not going to change my life.
“Erica (through God who strengthens me) is going to change her life!!!!”. God, please give me the strength because for me, this journey is going to be hard, and I am already about to cry. Who ever is reading this understands what I am going through. When you don’t have anyone trying to push you and you have to push yourself it is a very hard feeling…. But, I am proud of myself for being able to use the strength God gave me to push myself to accomplish my dreams. I feel pretty good now that I have written my thoughts down.
Starting to understand that, in my life people come and go and those people who come and go; are the ones that God puts in your life for a season and for a reason. I would always cry and hurt because the people who I wanted in my life would just leave and I never understood why. Now, I know. It even says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens; a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
God put “certain people” in my life to teach me how to be a better individual and to have a closer relationship with Him (God) . And I am proud to say, that I am happy those people help me to be become better and to be on my way to a prosperous life. God was also showing me that people, whether it is family or friends-they come and go but He (God) will always be there by my side when I go through my storms.
No one will ever understand some of your trials you may go through, that is why God is there for you to lean on. He is the only one who comprehends your ordeal.
While I was at church, I was so distant from everyone. I wanted to be to myself because I was hurting, but with feeling that hurt, I still felt joy. I guess you can say, that is the God that I serve. It felt like He was letting me know that even though I felt what I was feeling, He was still there, present in my heart.
I was so stubborn at church, to the point I did not speak to anyone. I tried to run out of the church before my pastor seen me because I did not want to cry,lol. It is funny to me now as I replay my actions, in my head of that morning!!! I did not want the tears to release from my eyes; But my pastor caught me and to my surprise I did not cry. I have gotten to a point in my life that I am so tired of crying…Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I know that it does heal the soul. Because every time I cry, I feel better (depending on what the situation is) however,
I felt better after I left church, I felt rejuvenated, I felt like the spiritual bondage I was in, had left my spirit.
I learn in church, and this is confirmation to my spirit: is that, you need to prepare yourself each day by: Praying to God and telling him to prepare you for anything that the devil tries to throw at you. So, for now on when I wake up in the morning, I am going to pray to God and tell him to prepare me for any NONSENSE that idiot (satan) tries to throw at me.
I AM A ENTREPRENEUR, Because….
I work for myself and not for anyone else.Yes, I am still working at a job but not for long. I am speaking into existence of what I want in my life. I am working on a lot of things this year and I am hoping for a great outcome in 2015 or by the end of 2014. It is going to be a lot of work, but I am OK with that, a lot of struggles,and tears but I am OK with that too. I do not believe that I have “Wanting to give up” in my vocabulary; because I have been through enough to think POSITIVE, regardless of the outcome or what I may be going through at that moment in life. I have come a long way and went through a lot spiritually to get to that point of never having…… “Negativity Creep Up In My Soul, Anymore”. I will tell you more of my trials later, I am still contemplating on whether I want to make my life experiences into a book or if I want to turn it into a blog.
As I am typing,l am crying because even though I have scars, I made it! I am still living today and not a “DAMN” person can stop Me!!! This is why I can say, that I can and will continue to be positive. From here… I am going to go up. Like my mother said, “The sky is the limit and to never put a cap on what I can do in life”. I am excited for what God has for me and excited for what I can do with my life. This blog is going to be a blog, where I tell you the truth about me and who I am, no filters. Promise.
An update on my husband. We finally got things settled. He was happy when he came home and he wanted to talk to me. As stubborn as I am, I did not want to talk, I was just going to stay to myself. But, we talked and one thing that I came to conclusion with, that I knew that we needed in our marriage,was helping each other out when it came to each other’s goals and dreams. We would help each other out a little, but not like we should. So, now we are working on that as of today. Marriage is a very serious commitment, it is not what you see on TV. It is an covenant with God and it is about how we are going to make it together as one flesh (going through the hard and good times). I love him even though we are in the situation we are in. I thank God for this situation, because I know it is going to get better (it is gradually getting better, and that is enough for me). Be content where you are; because how can God give you bigger when you can not even except the little.